Is the Art of Parenting Lost?

I have regular conversations with people who are seeking my advice on parenting, something I have grown accustomed to over the last 14 years (hard to believe I was teaching parenting before I had children of my own, but alas, I was…).  That doesn't surprise me anymore, but what does continue to surprise me is that the definition of parenting (not to mention the execution of it) seriously seems to be lost.

The misconception I see the most is that parenting is just a mixture of supervision and discipline – perhaps sprinkled with a healthy dose of ‘eat your vegetables’ and ‘take your medicine’.  But that’s not parenting.

Parenting is not supervision alone.  Parenting is not discipline alone.  Parenting is not simply giving rules and enforcing them.  Parenting is what happens in between rules and discipline.

Let me explain.

Most people parent the way their parents parented them (for better or worse) which is usually a Behavioral based model of parenting.  It works, loosely, like this:

If you like your child’s behavior – reward it.
If you don’t like your child’s behavior – punish it.
Up the ante on both rewards and punishments until you have achieved the behavior you want.

Does this sound familiar?  Here’s an example in case you are unsure if you fit into this group:

Nick isn’t doing his homework after school.  He would rather play with his friends, or be on the computer, or just listen to his iPod.  So, his homework isn’t getting done, and he is behind in school. 

You walk in his room, “Nick, you need to do your homework.  Put your iPod away.”
You leave. 
You return in 30 minutes, “Nick, I said it is time to do your homework.  Put away your iPod and get your books out NOW.”
You leave.
You return in 30 minutes, “NICK!  I told you to do your homework NOW!”

Parents that fit into the Behavioral based parenting model usually start down one of two paths now:

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